Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
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