OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
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