Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
We need to get me chipped asap
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
Randomize
