Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
Randomize
