i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
Randomize
