all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Randomize
