Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
Randomize
