With the way things had been going, I was never more excited for a person to cum
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
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