It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
Randomize
