I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
Randomize
