Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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