fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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