i may or may not be watching the land before time
Disadvantage of being gay..... my gag reflexes makes trying to make myself throw up extremely difficult.
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
