he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
we played animal sounds and i linked arms with her cuz we were both cats....fate and my community college drama teacher have chosen my one night stand
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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