So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
