1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
I don't think you know how difficult it is to pee in poncho..
i voted for prop eight dipshit. more weddings = more CAKE.
Halloween 2010: the NuvaRing girls. You're Thursday. We'll walk into the party chanting "Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Everydaaay".
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
Randomize
