I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Randomize
