It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
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