I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
It's official drugs can't kill me
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Randomize
