Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
Randomize
