I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
I just saw a like a 30 person deep walk of shame... it was like the million man march but with dorm chicks
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
Semen is not good for contacts.
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
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