There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
So here I am, sexting at work.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
