It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
Randomize
