the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Randomize