yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her
but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"
but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize
