Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
Randomize
