My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
