batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
was i over the top when i said that i wished they made v-neck pants to her?
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
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