I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
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