I know it's VERY late and i know i may have burdened you, but on the chance that it's sat nite- are you up or willing to be? Christinas camping and i'm chillin alone.
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
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