True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
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