you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
Boobs speak an international language.
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
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