I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
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