So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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