I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
Randomize
