her eyes looked like someone had poured fruit punch in them. needless to say we had a good time.
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
Randomize
