Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
Randomize
