in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
he high fived his dick after we had sex
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