I'm pants shitting drunk right now
Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
Randomize
