No offense but you kinda look like a Jack Johnson fan in that pic
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
