my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
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