I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
Randomize
