my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
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