Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
Randomize