Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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