I hope my future cuntsucker is that tight
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
Randomize
