I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
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