I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Randomize
