WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
I woke up from my nap, looked out my window, and saw about bout 6 people get tasered in less than 20 seconds.....could someone please tell me what's going on.
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
Randomize
