what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
