First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
Justin has passed out on the toilet in a locked stall. Stay tuned for pics.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
Randomize
