he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Randomize
