You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
Randomize
