I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
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