cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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