My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
Randomize