UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
I'm pretty sure a girl doesn't give it up with a reverse cow girl...
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
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