all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
If its called oral, why is it so hard to talk?
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize