Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
He? As in you personified your dick?
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
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