I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
So is chris hansen cool in person? Or is it just awkward while you wait for the cops?
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
Idk I think he's weird but he's also from Wisconsin so that might have something to do with it.
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
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